The Talbot Bros US Tour of America had not started well. Rejections were coming from all angles; requests to sing the Australian national anthem at the NHL and NBA rejected!
Calls to film a music video at the David Warner Brothers Studios rejected! And to put pepper in the wound, upcoming concerts in Atlanta and Orlando had sold less tickets than some mass Tupperware party in Houston called the “Superbowl”. Enough was enough! If there was a time to take a stand, this was the time!
The death knell rang out through Hollywood Orchid Suites, the booming concussive boom of the alarm clock. The alarm clock’s solitary duty of waking its owner up and telling the time done in an exceptionally punctual manner. Such an organized piece of machinery deserves greater admiration, not the complaining and cursing it gets each morning. It does its job sensationally, and what thanks does it get? A fist through it to shut the fucking thing up.
Breakfast at Orchid Sweets, there she was, Norma, our Latino housekeeper awaiting our presence for breakfast. In they walked: picture two broken, hollow men, walking with the burden of failure; rocks in their heads, vice on their minds, racks on their backs…. Those poor Asian tourists….
This lady knew how to make a stranger in a strange land homely. From the bowels of the refrigerator, a jar of black substance was produced, a substance so homely.
“I make’r the vegemite fer you Aussies,” Norma said, proud as punch to deliver home made goodness.
“I don’t like vegemite,” Adam retorted.
Like the bachelor whom prepared the roast pork tea for his vegetarian first date, Norma looked slackened. All hopes of impressing her Australian clients washed down the proverbial drain. But like Michael Bevan, I returned things in our favour with a clever knock:
“But I do…”
Back came the smile, back came the vigour, back came the Mexican spirit. That bread underwent a tasteful transition from bread to toast in a matter of minutes. The coffee tasted like King Kong’s arse sweat, not that I know what that tastes like but I’m estimated this shit is pretty close.
An amazing twist of fate occurred within the confines of the breakfast room within the Orchid Schweppes. In between the gaggle of Chinese tourists, I heard an American state the Superbowl wasn’t a kitchen utensil but the prize awarded to the winners of the NFL grand final.
Apparently, an advertisement in between stoppages was highly sought after yielding thousands of dollars worth of profits, a strengthening of reputation and the charisma of Jon Hamm. These cats had their heads screwed on tight. Then and there our day’s objective announced itself; let’s make an advertisement promoting our US tour of America to be broadcast during the Superbowl. We were on a winner!
Off to Universal Studios
With the David Warner Bros. Studios turning their backs on our operation, we ignored them too, opting for a competitor across the ditch, Universal Studios. These babies had been in business since 1912 producing such films as Jurassic Park, Alien, Lord of the Rings and Flubber. It just seemed right, like it was meant to be.
Unfortunately, our start wasn’t a good one, Adam’s email getting hacked. This sent his server into lockdown, blocking us from accessing and printing the tickets to Universal Studios. Thankfully luck was on our side, not the oppositions (whomever that may be), the email being sent to Linda’s (Adam’s wife) email. We were saved!!!!
With dreams of success and tens of dollars coming our way, we treated ourselves like real rock stars, catching the train to the studio. A $1 ticket fare seemed fair to us (no way am I pardoning that pun).
Dodging odd assortments of human beings, we took a seat in between the pretty interior design chewy gum fixtures littering each seat.
The weather outside was ordinary, the weather inside okay. It was cold and deary, rain falling in that most ambiguous of half hearted drizzle, it was that type of rain where you ask cry out “either come down heavy or piss off”. It did have its benefits though; the crowds were quite low.
Upon entering (and believe me, finding the entrance was quite an undertaking, the signage around theme parks seems to be all arse about, we had no idea where to go), we asked for management immediately.
“Take us to your leader.”
“What is this regarding?”
“A Superbowl ad.”
“Come right this way.”
The manager was a nice man of about forty. We outlined the objective of the video, what we wanted to get across to the audience. It need two absolute superstar actors to play the parts of the two band members. The suggestion of ourselves was duly rejected, the executive quickly coming to the subject of money. When asked how much we were willing to pay, a confident answer of $84.25 was promptly gaffawed at.
“When are you two leaving LA?”
“Tomorrow.”
“Oh, how unfortunate. Seems we’re fully booked until the day after tomorrow. Sorry about that. How unlucky, seems we’re free the rest of February”
The Superspoon was in one day. Disappointment filled us like Norma had the vegemite toast. But not to be outdone, Adam remembered we were coming back to LA on the 12th, our final day in the US. Maybe we could record a video in preparation for the NBA Superbowl.
“So you’re free the rest of February.”
“It appears so,” the cocky shit replied.
“Fantastic! We’re back in LA on the 12th so we’ll be able to film a video then.”
“How long are you in LA for?”
“One night.”
“Oh god damn! Looks like we’re free until the 12th in which we’re all booked out before being free for the rest of February. Sorry for misreading the calendar, my mistake.”
How heartbreaking, felt like my spirit had been clawed at by the hand of fate and wrenched from my body sucking me dry of hope. These studio executives were as honest as Essendon’s lawyers.
It was looking as though we were feasting on sour grapes for lunch, however a compromise was reached. The executive granting us the main event concert in the Clint Eastwood Theatre at 4:00pm. We were over the moon!
Quick Tour Around Universal Studios
After paying a substantial entry fee, the sight of many rides and attractions within the Universal Studios theme park offered an excellent distraction from our despair. With tails between our legs, we headed to the nearest ride.
Universal Studio’s beginnings are strikingly similar to Warner Bros. In the early 1910’s, motion films were quickly gaining popularity seeing picture theatres or “nickelodeans” spring up across America. Unfortunately for the early nickelodeon owners, the showing of motion pictures wasn’t financial viable. If the theater did not own a movie, it had to pay a royalty to the Thomas Edison Trust (inventor of the motion camera and owner of the sole producer of films at the time) for each showing.
In 1908 New York, nine disgruntled nickelodeon owners banded together with the intention of producing their own motion pictures, bypassing the Edison Trust and thus earning all profits.
The new company named Independent Moving Pictures Company (IMPC) sought early to break away from Edison’s practices. IMPC were the first studio to give screen credits to its actors, something Edison refused. This saw many of the biggest actors move to IMPC.
By 1912 the company became Universal Studios and on the back of rising popularity opened the world’s largest movie production studio on a 100 ha converted farm in Hollywood where it remains to this day.
The theme park was fantastic to visit even if it was run by a pack of pricks. Split into several sections dedicated to its most famous movies, one could whet their thrill seeking appetites in the following worlds:
- Harry Potter world, complete with Hogsmeade wizard village and Hogwarts castle
- Springfield, home to the most family on television The Simpsons
- The Mummy
- Jurassic Park
- Transformers
- Minions
- Plus backlot sets and the studios themselves
The rain refused to abate, continuing to perspire from the troposphere. It served to dampen our clothing, but not our spirits. Looking upon the park map, we elected the Harry Potter ride as our first point of call. It lay within a scale replica of Hogwarts School of Wizardry, built atop the highest point within the property boundary. Hogwarts could be seen from everywhere in the park.
Inside lay Dumbledore’s office, the Griffindore student lodgings, the main dining hall and probably much more, our Harry Potter knowledge isn’t that extensive. It was impressive to say the most.
To climb aboard the Harry Potter ride, one had to traverse a marathon of string lines and rails put in place to organize the hundreds of queuers through the peak season.
Not the Talbot Bros, our superstar status saw us stream through the tangle of steel railing to the front of line. There we waited behind the five other prospective ride goers.
It was well worth the two minute wait. The ride provided us with an introduction to the next generation theme park ride, virtual rollercoasters.
Strapped to seats upon an hydraulic arm, we were flung too and fro facing a mammoth 3D screen which wrapped around cylindrically to surround the viewer. Projected on the screen was projected was the “ride” or more storyline, I think we had to chase away some dementors and along the way, play a game of quiditch.
This all from the seat of a broomstick. The movement of the arm coupled with the events unfolding on screen felt like you were actually on a broomstick flying around Hogwarts with Harry and co. in tow. It even blew water into your face when skimming a river or wrestling a giant spider in the Hogwarts dungeon.
These types of “virtual rides” appear to be cropping up everywhere. The timeless old rollercoaster built on rails tracks with numerous sudden drops, turns and rises are being steadily replaced by these 3D screen concoctions, and I’m not all that happy. Don’t get me wrong, the rides are good, a fantastic experience and well worth the two minute wait but please, oh please, don’t let them replace the traditional break neck rollercoaster.
That heart in the mouth, stomach sickening feeling of exhilaration you feel when you are slowly hacked up a ramp to the crest of the rollercoaster before being plunged down a drop and back up again just cannot be recreated within the confounds of an hydraulic arm and 3D television screen partnership. Unfortunately for us 80% of the rides at Universal Studios take this form.
Completing our travel through virtual Harry Potter land, we headed straight for the next ride in sight, a traditional loopy rollercoaster. Heaven send! Perhaps we did this a tad too quick, the familiar exhilaration and stomach in the back of the throat feeling experienced profusely to the point of sickness. Lesson learnt, pace yourself! So we waited for stomach to return down the neck and back into position by remaining planted on the surface of the earth, exploring the portions of the park we hadn’t seen.
From the glum, snowy landscape of Potter World emerged a happy, heavenly part of screen history, Springfield. Oh what a place! Entering the township it was strange looking around at new yet such familiar territory; Moe’s Tavern, The Android’s Dungeon & Baseball Card Shop, Krusty Burger and the Kwik-E-Mart.
Merely viewing the exterior was an experience, the fact one could go within the four walls of these buildings to view the interior just something else! Moe’s Tavern served
The Simpson’s Ride was again a “virtual ride”. The storyline consisted of Sideshow Bob chasing the Simpsons’ family through Krusty the Clown’s theme park (brilliant screenwriting!).
Springfield
Continuing on through the park, we came upon a Special Effects show. The show walked us through the various special effects utilized in movie making, particularly early on before computer animated effects took precedence over many man-made optical illusions. The early FX pioneers were clever blokes, saving producers and directors thousands.
The 1916 film “Intolerance”, based in ancient Babylonian times, used monumental full-scale sets to depict the period and over 3000 extras in battle scenes. All up, the film cost $2.5 million to make, a mammoth total at the time. Films such as 1925’s adaption of Ben Hur saw whole convoys of battleships filmed in sea battle scenes and whole ships lit on fire and destroyed. The costs were growing and the quality diminishing, anything and everything could go wrong using sets on so grand a scale.
The first use of visual special effects was found by accident. Whilst filming a street scene in Paris, Georges Melies’ camera jammed for about two minutes before returning to normal. Screening the days’ filming, a truck was instantly transformed into a hearse, a group of ladies into a group of men and pedestrians instantly change direction. This became a technique called “stop film”, allowing for many action scenes thought impossible to film become possible.
Norman Dawn, an artist, made the next development, the matte shot. Rather than build entire cityscapes for filming, Dawn would paint a city landscape on a sheet of glass, leaving a clear gap the camera could shoot through. This enabled actors to be filmed in front of a small set through the clear glass, the camera shooting the actor traipsing through a mythical city wonderland. Such is the techniques effectiveness it is still employed today.
The development of sound films (“talkies”) faced filmmakers with their next debacle, how to effectively reproduce sound effects. Early microphones could only pick up dialogue, sound effects such as footsteps had to be edited in later. Warner Bros developed the first sound film ever in 1914 with The Jazz Singer. Down the road, Universal Studios knew it had get in on the act, calling all staff with radio or sound experience to apply for its new sound department.
One applier was Mick Foley. Mick Foley had a unique knack for finding sounds that fit scenes on the screen. His incessant experimentation with different sounds saw some unique sound effects created that are still used today.
- Coconut shells cut in half and struck together create horse hoofs
- Frozen celery snapped in half create bones breaking
- A staple gun fired to create a gunshot
Projecting the film onto a screen within the recording studio, Foley and a small crew recorded effects using a single track of audio, synchronizing perfectly with events occurring on screen. Mick Foley continued working into the late 1980’s before opting for a career change, leaving behind a comprehensive library of sound effects still used to this day. The sound effects artists are now called Foley Artists after their creator.
Learning about the various sound effects available, our minds began conjuring implicit musical ideas. Could they be used on an epic concept album, much like Pink Floyd had on The Wall (i.e marching armies, helicopters etc.). Perhaps we’ll call it “The Ceiling”.
With big ideas comes big hunger. Looking around at the various culinary options available for consumption, we reached a majority vote of 2-nil. Krusty burgers it was! Walking through those double doors, we entered fat city knowing full well our pancreas would be earning its keep as a vital cog in the digestive machine. Purchasing and consuming that burger with side of fries, I knew the lining of our blood vessels and arteries would have decreased in diameter by the end of this meal break.
The Krusty Burger restaurant was a Simpsons fan’s dream. Whilst eating in the traditional American style booth, a never ending series of iconic Simpsons clips from its 28 year catalogue played much to the satisfaction and chagrin of fellow consumers. Feeling thirsty, I descended the steps from the took level back to the checkout.
Feryl, the checkout chick, answered my inquiry for two cups of water with “That’ll be $5.00 thanks.” With the restraint of a straight jacket, I withheld my larynx’s cry to shout “Fuck off!” in Feryl’s face. Why should I pay for something that falls out of the sky, built from the iconic secret recipe of two minerals and zero spices. Opportunity presented itself when Feryl turned her back on me to grab a completed order from the kitchen.
Knowing full well humans can’t see out the back of their head, I reached over the counter and claimed two plastic cups. Never has a cup been claimed so triumphantly since 1938 when Indiana Jones successfully chose the holy grail, “the carpenter’s cup”, all in an effort to save $5.
Leaving Krusty’s hospitable eatery, I could feel my heart working slightly harder than when I had entered. What better way to relax and slow its rate by heading over to Jurassic Park. Looking around at the ride and its accompanying buildings, this ride has been around for a number of years. In fact it was opened in 1996 and on opening, had Jeff Goldblum, Sam Neill and Stephen Spielberg goon the inaugural ride.
Well it may be 21 years old, but its still a goody. It actually feels like you’re in Jurassic Park such is the effort that has been put into the detail. Basically, you’re in a raft drifting down a stream through various enclosures. Of course the herbivores are quite safe, nothing to really be worried about, but a turn of the corner brings peril head on.
Jurassic Park just can’t seem to get their carnivore enclosures right, doing as good a job as Malmesbury at keeping their animals under lock and key. Soon you’re getting chased by a giant T-Rex before plunging 26m down a waterfall before being soaked in water. Its basically Wild West Falls with dinosaurs.
Show Time!
After completing every ride in the park, it was time for our headliner concert at the Clint Eastwood Theatre. The theater was a small intimate venue with close to 400 seats. Carrying drum and keyboard toward the entrance, the “What’s on….” billboard located next to the front door sent chills down our spine, steam out our ears.
Somehow a cataclysmic error had been made; how, we still do not know. Those fat cats in the Universal Studios offices had managed to rip open our wounds, slowly healing through the experience of fun in the park, and tipped a shaker of salt into the fleshy wound. The billing for the afternoon’s entertainment at the Tint Eastwood Theatre went:
“The Minion Big Band with special guests, The Talbot Bros”
Steam gushing out our ears, tempers flaring to the heat of the Chernobyl reactor, we leaped toward the nearest studio worker and unleashed a torrent of abuse appropriate for the ears of the 400 children lining up to see the Minions.
“We were told the Talbot Bros. had top billing!”
“Talbot who??? Oh, no you were here to fill in for the paper mache class.”
“You pack of lying, thieving cockh…” looking at the nearest pile of children, a quick rewording of the insult was required. “…cowards!”
“Mum, whats a cockcoward???” asked an innocent Minion fan.
Man we were shitty, shittier than a poofter’s moustache, but we continued on with the show. The dressing rooms were full of glue, balloons and strips of newspaper leaving no room for a drumkit. Warmed up for the gig by practicing some rudiments on the head of a nearby minion costume. After a paradiddle, the minion suddenly came to life, there was a bloke inside on his lunchbreak.
The Talbot Bros first gig on US soil couldn’t have gone better. An audience of twelve children, nine parents and twenty cleaners picking up thousands of disposed chip packets from the morning minion show lapped up our hour and twenty minute set.
At the conclusion of our set, I could hear the crowd outside the gate yelling “They’re done! We can go in now!” Satisfied customers. Exiting the Clint Westwood Theatre, it was slightly disheartening to hear the raucous capacity crowd cheering on twelve thirty year olds dressed in minion suits doing a little dance.
“They’re not even real!” Our protests fell on deaf ears.
The Final Frontier
The final activity to complete was a guided tour of the Universal Studios… well, studios. This was slightly different to the Warner Sisters Studios tour, we got to ride in a bus, a welcome breather for our hearts which were still straining under the pressure of pumping blood through fat lined arteries. This had the unfortunate downside of not allowing us to go within the studios themselves.
Otto our driver informed us about everything Universal. Again the rain had proved a blessing, keeping fans and prospective autograph seekers to a minimum and queues to a small, manageable size. Like Warner Uncles, Universal had a comprehensive collection of backlots with many themes; there was a Mexico village, a western town, 1920’s Chicago and various others. It was thrilling to know that Clint Eastwood, John Wayne and other western heroes had traipsed through this town shooting innumerable quantities film extras and villains.
Many of the studio’s most famous sets were still standing, their remains left standing in touching reverence of their symbolism. Bate’s Hotel and house from Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho, the whole plane crash scene from Spielberg’s War of the Worlds using a Boeing 707 and Amity Island from Jaws; all still standing and gawked at by visitors on a daily basis.
An amazing feature of the bus tour were the two special effects tunnels we had the pleasure of entering. The first one was Skull Island from King Kong. The bus entered a large tunnel about 4m tall and 20m long. Suddenly the walls of the tunnel turned into a mammoth LED screen projecting a in a fight scene between Kong and two T-rex.
The bus was bumped from side to side and sprayed with water to make it feel as though we were involved. The second tunnel portrayed us being chased by police, the team from Fast and the Furious giving us a hand to escape. Such was the brilliance of the screens and hydraulic mechanisms that it felt very much like the bus was rocketing at 150km/h.
Another fascinating effect was the creation of “weather” on outdoor sets. An 1880’s Mexican streetscape could be turned from hot summer using heat lamps and dust, winter with snow and spring rains with massive showers blistering the pavement with torrential rain. The all of a sudden a gigantic roar regurgitated down the main street, a wave of water cannoning down towards us. This was the studio’s flood effects. Water poured out of windows and doors of buildings and flushed down a particularly efficient drain located directly in front of the bus.
Following the tour’s conclusion, it hit us just how tired we were. The past three days had been experienced on the fuel of approximately eight hours sleep. The tank was on its final droplet. It was time for sleep.
Album of the Day
Seeing as though the basis of the Talbot Bros trip to the United States is built upon music, specifically Progressive Rock, it is our desire to promote the genre and reveal some of the artists that have influenced us throughout our eighteen days as a band. Many of these bands you will not have heard of, don’t let this deter you! It is our profound disappointment that we cannot offer the Talbot Bros extensive catalogue for your listening, a complicated record deal with EMI has denied us distribution rights for our music plus talks with Spotify have stalled, those pricks just don’t pay enough!
Frost*: Falling Satellites
A brilliant aspect of The Cruise to the Edge is the exposure it offers bands such as Frost* performing on the vessel. Even in their home country of England, Frost* are a band with a small yet passionate following (like most prog bands), making chances of Australians discovering their music is miniscule.
Well, glad we attended the cruise did because Frost* blew us away, their music just so unique and such easy listening.
Characterized by heavy keyboards, Frost* take a modern approach to prog and find impressive results. This album is loaded with great songs that sound so refreshingly new.
Highlights are Heartstrings, Signs and Towerblock. Check them out on Spotify, typing in Frost* (make sure you include the little * at the end).